Two weeks ago today, C and I had a difficult night.

He was overtired and not behaving in the way I wanted him to, and I was overwhelmed, embarrassed and mad. I gave him “the look”, I threatened, and when we got home, I yelled. And when I was done, as he wept in the corner of the couch he said something that was immediately burned into my mind.

“Mom, things just felt so heavy for me tonight, and then you yelled and made things heavier. I just don’t want to be here anymore.”

My heart broke in that moment and I realized something big. Instead of being aware of WHY my son was acting out; instead of trying to help him navigate through his feelings; instead of being his safe haven, I made things about me and in turn made things heavier.

I decided that in that very moment, things need to change. That if I am not able to control my own emotions in a healthy way, how would be learn to do so himself? That if I am not his safe space, where will he go?

So, that night, at bedtime, we had a long chat and I promised him that I will try my absolute hardest not to yell anymore.

Today marks two weeks of keeping that promise I made to both him and myself. And every single day since, C has told me how proud of me he is for trying so hard.

The biggest takeaway I have gotten from this experience is that when I’m not yelling, I am creating SPACE. Space to stop for a moment to assess my own feelings. Space for C to talk to me and express himself. Space to say yes when I would otherwise jump to no. Space for reflection at bedtime as we talk about mommy’s goals and affirmations, and how we plan to keep up with these changes in our home.

So, here are a few changes I have implemented to help me with this commitment I have made to myself…

Affirmations. Every night, I write a set of affirmations in my journal that describe the mindset I’m working towards. I write them in the present tense so my brain absorbs this as reality. For this goal in particular, I write down “I am an exceptional role model for my kids”. It keeps this goal in the forefront of my mind, so I never forget what I’m working towards.

Team Effort. My family knows what I’m working towards and I have asked them for their support. This consists of reminders if they feel I’m going downhill, as well as encouragement throughout this journey. Alex is also working on not yelling alongside me, so it feels amazing to do this together.

One moment at a time. I’m trying to keep things in the moment and remembering that things take time. I am working on ridding myself of a bad habit and replacing them with new ones. Change takes time and doesn’t happen overnight.

The only way to change something in your life is to actually make a change. To be the person you want to be, you have the BE that person. No matter what you are working towards.

Today, I celebrate another week of no yelling. I am grateful for the space I have created and the moments I have had with my kids, as well as the many lessons I am sure I will learn along the way.

Today, I am damn proud of myself ❤

It’s almost Fall! How did that happen?

My summer was quite busy but I managed to read a few great books that I wanted to share with you!

Here is my summer list…

The Tattooist of Auschwitz by Heather Morris

I listened to the ebook version of this book. It was such an eye opening read. It brings you to the center of a concentration camp it real detail and tells a remarkable love story within a nightmare.

Buy it HERE at Amazon.

The Path Made Clear by Oprah Winfrey

I feel like I am quite biased to be reviewing this one, since I love ANYTHING Oprah. This book is no exception. I listened to the ebook version of this one and I loved how it sounded more like interviews than simply her reading it. There is amazing advice within that can be applied to your day to day life. A really great read!

Click HERE to get it on Amazon.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Lately, I am loving books filled with suspense and mystery, and this book did not disappoint. I know this one is a bit older of a title, but I couldn’t “put it down” (I listened to the ebook). It keeps your guessing throughout and the narratives change, which I also really loved. Once I finished the book, I watched the movie – super well done!

Click HERE to grab it on Amazon.

Educated by Tara Westover

I could not put this book down. I was hooked after the first phrase. I just can’t say enough about how amazing this one is. Tara does an amazing job in her memoir of telling the story about her life and journey. I am in awe of this incredible woman.

Buy it HERE at Amazon.

Love Lives Here: A Story of Thriving in a Transgender Family by Amanda Jette Knox

Another incredible memoir. I think everyone needs to read this book and then talk about this book with their family and then pass the book on to friends. The author does such an incredible job at sharing her journey and the things she has learned. I learnt so much by reading this book, which I did in like three days!

Buy it HEREat Amazon.

Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis

I just finished listening to this ebook and I really got a lot out of it. She is pleasant to listen to and has a great way of explaining concepts in a relatable way. While listening to this book, I started an Affirmations and Gratitude journal and am loving this new habit. I am also working on getting myself healthier so that I am ready to conquer the day and smash my goals. I def recommend!!

Buy at Amazon HERE.

I’m always looking for amazing books to read and/or listen to! Comment below with your favourites ❤

What do you find at the other side of fear?

This summer, I found joy, pride, laughter, a little bit of exhaustion, and a lot of excitement for what the future holds.

This July, I decided to pack up the boys and the dog and drive six hours to my dad’s house for a vacation without Alex. For some, this may seem like something they would do without thinking much about it, but for me, it was a huge mountain to climb. It was a fear I have wanted to face for years.

Living with anxiety looks different for me depending on the day. Often, it feels as though my anxiety is like a third child that is tugging at me and reminding me of all the things that could go wrong. I’ve learned that this part of me needs to be acknowledged and dealt with before things spin out of control. I think that the more we resist and push that part of ourselves away, the bigger it becomes. So – me, the two kids, the dogs, and my anxiety set out on our first solo-parenting road trip.

I decided to embrace this trip as much as I could, all while surrendering to the fact that YES, things can go wrong (I hear you, little voice in my head), and remembering that my track record for surviving all things that have come our way is 100%.

And it went really great!

Perfect? Of course not. We ended up leaving a few days early because I was ready to get back to our normal, and my patience was dwindling. We had a sick little boy on the drive home. BUT we packed so much fun into our week-long trip and I really really enjoyed our quality time together.

We visited road-side attractions, went to a bunch of playgrounds, went to my family reunion, drove downtown Toronto to visit Alex for one night, went to the Ripley’s Aquarium, visited a petting farm, ate so much junk food, slept together in a queen bed for 8 nights (ouch by body), and visited with so many friends and family members. We made so many memories together that fill my heart every time I think of them.

And I did this without an ounce of hand sanitizer for the kids’ hands. I surrendered to anything that would come our way. And I survived. I more than survived.

I lived.

One of my recent favourite quotes is “everything you want in life is at the other side of fear”. I truly believe this and I am ready to keep moving forward with this in mind.

I look forward to all the mommy and sons adventures ahead of us – wherever they may take us throughout the years ❤

 

 

 

 

To my 8 year old self…

You are so incredibly loved. Things are changing around you, you’ve found yourself in a new space, but none of it is your fault. Things will work out and you will be just fine. It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be angry and it’s also ok to be happy. You are so incredibly loved.

 

To my 12 year old self…

Remember who you are. Keep writing your poems and dancing to the music. Keep dreaming of who you will one day be. That joy within you is contagious. Learn who you are. Discover your values and honour them. Boys are great – but they are not everything. Cherish your friendships and your family. Remember who you are.

 

To my 15 year old self…

Learn to let go. You hold on so tightly when you feel afraid. Appreciate those who are by your side and make time for yourself. Hold your head high and be proud of who you are and where you come from. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind and stand up for what you believe. Love isn’t supposed to hurt, and when it does, learn to let go.

 

To my 18 year old self…

This is your time. Don’t be afraid. It’s a big world out there, and you keep looking back. Focus on your dreams, set goals and crush them. This much space can feel overwhelming, but if you embrace it, you will soar. You are one of a kind – don’t let all the other noise make you feel small. The next few years are supposed to be messy as you figure it all out. Try, fail, try again. This is your time.

 

To my 19 year old self…

He is not a good guy. Trust your gut. It isn’t your fault.

 

To my 25 year old self…

He is a great guy. Trust your gut. You’re ready.

 

To my 30 year old self…

You are a good mom. It’s ok not to love this stage of parenthood. You are tired, overwhelmed,  in pain and unsure. Know that everything you are feeling is normal. You love that boy more than anything and he will grow up to do great things. Trust in yourself, and enjoy the enjoyable moments. The hard times will pass, and it’s fine not to enjoy them. Do what is best for your family – you are a team. He needs exactly who you are. You are a good mom.

 

To my 35 year self…

Have faith. It’s been a rough few years, but you are still holding on. Keep moving forward and trusting your gut. Embrace your passions and love yourself fiercely. Life isn’t always easy, but you get to choose how you react to everything that is thrown at you. Be sad when you need to be, scared when you need to be and angry when you need to be. Believe in yourself, in your family and in life. Everything will be ok.  Have faith.

 

 

 

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I have been struggling a lot with this realization lately and have discovered that comparison shows up in so many different ways.

We compare ourselves to everyone’s highlight reels on social media – to all the “super” moms, to those on an incredible fitness journey, to anyone who seems to be “winning” at life.

We compare ourselves to our past selves. Who we used to be, what we used to look like, the parts of our life we felt were the happiest.

We compare ourselves to where we think we should be by now. To the vision we had for our life, and the things we wanted to accomplish.

We compare our kids to other kids, our spouses to other spouses, our pets to other pets. Our houses, our clothes, our jobs. All of the things.

I even compare how I’m feeling with how I would feel if something bad would happen and ruin the amazing moment (anxiety is a bitch).

Comparison is the thief of joy.

As I work on letting go of the should, another feeling has come to light, and that is comparison, especially is terms of my own self worth. This rings especially true with my husband and his incredible bond with our boys. He is the type of parent who plays on the ground for hours with the kids, and takes them everywhere he can. He loves adventure and play and letting them help with everything. This summer, I left for a week on my own adventure and he stayed with the kids alone – and rocked it.

Instead of being proud of how amazing he was and is with the kids, I let his parenting strengths reflect on my challenges as a mom. I don’t love playing on the ground with the kids, I struggle when he is away, and I get frustrated easily when the kids are helping with with my projects. I need a lot of alone time to recharge, and I really love the quiet. I thrive on routine and planning things, and prefer snuggles, heart to hearts and quiet play over big adventures. I love working.

I talked to my therapist about the guilt I experienced when watching the boys with Alex, and how I felt “less -than” as a mother because I couldn’t give them what their dad gave them. I couldn’t see past these differences between us, and it was making me feel terrible. And then, once again, she said something that stuck.

Can you not be grateful for his strengths as a parent? Do those strengths not allow you to be who you are as a person, and as a mother?

Sometimes it takes someone on the outside of a situation to provide you with a different perspective. In this case, a way better – more realistic – perspective of my life. She was right, and all of a sudden, a weight felt lifted as I realized that as co-parents to these amazing boys, we share in the responsibilities, and in some cases, balance each other out.

His strengths are not my failure. 

When looking through the lens of gratitude, grace and kindness, everything looks different, and everything feels a bit lighter. When I looked as myself as a mom, as who I am – a person with strengths and challenges like the rest of us – it became easier to accept that, like all humans, I am not amazing at everything. And that is ok. My husband isn’t great at everything either – and my strengths often balance that out too. My self-talk became very present in the moments where I struggled. “It’s ok to be who you are”.

I am incredible grateful that my kids have a dad who loves spending so much time with them. Because of this, I am able to work a full time job, as well as a part time job several evenings a week. I am able to find quiet moments throughout the day and know that my kids are having fun. I feel recharged when he is away flying for a few days at a time because I don’t have to take everything on when he is home.

And because of me, my husband is able to pursue his career as a pilot and be away for period of time.

My preferences and challenges don’t make me a bad mother. I am who I am, and I am exactly who my children need.

As I learn to let go of that constant comparison, I am learning to embrace my strengths as a mom. Letting go of the guilt allows for more space. More hugs, cuddles, stories, sleepovers, kisses and quiet time. It allows me to show my boys who I truly am and show them what self-love looks like. It allows us space to find new adventures that we can do together, and to enjoy those special moments that pass way too quickly.

I no longer want to be the mom who has it all together, with the spotless home, the gourmet meals, the structured play and the perfect full schedule. I want to be the best version of myself and share that with those that I love. I want to tell the people in my life how much value they add to my life, and how much I truly appreciate every single one of them.

Comparison is the thief of joy. But, “gratitude turns what we have into enough”.

When things are going well, as planned, it is easy to understand that life happens for you, with you. It is easy to be grateful for what you have and to count your blessings. To (somewhat) live in the moment. Looking back to two months ago – it seems like it would have been so easy to do just that.

Until something big happens that pushes you past what you thought to be your limits. When you have no choice but to be what others would call strong and brave. Suddenly, things no longer make sense.

My sweet doll-face of a child had a partial and then generalized seizure on his second birthday. It lasted about twenty five minutes and resulted in a very long, very quiet ambulance ride. I can remember every second of that day – what I saw, what I heard, what I felt. There was a moment when I thought he was dying. I remember yelling at the nurses that he could speak full paragraphs and that the sounds he was making were not him. I remember having to leave the room several times to catch my breath, and give my soul a break from reality. The two days we waited before further testing – sleeping with him in our room to ensure he wouldn’t seize in his sleep – were so incredibly hard.

L was diagnosed with Focal Epilepsy in the Right Frontal Lobe. He started medication right away. Two weeks later, he had a thirty-second partial seizure, and after an increase in meds, we are on week seven of no seizures.

This is our new normal.

Part of me is getting stronger everyday. The other part is watching him, waiting, and afraid to celebrate any victories. When people ask for updates, that part of me is afraid to say anything too optimistic, in fear of not being prepared for another episode. I mentally note his energy levels, I know exactly how long he naps, I put him to sleep at the same time every night like clockwork. Holidays and events terrify me, because strong emotions (tired, excited, nervous, stressed) can lower his threshold. It’s always there, in the back of my mind. Sometimes, all consuming.

It’s been 9 weeks. Every Monday, I note the number of weeks.

For the first week, I cried while the boys were at daycare. I googled everything I worried about, and the stories scared me even more. I reached out to some incredible women, who all told me to give it some time, that it was still so new. I stared at his monitor while he slept. I waited for another seizure. I listed in my mind the steps I would take next time it happened. I called the department nurse three times and cried as I asked her everything I could. In my moments of strength, I wrote and shared my story. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Nothing seemed important enough to care about other than what was happening.

People called me strong, but I didn’t feel strong. I felt helpless, angry and not cut out for this.

In the second week, I cried less, but I felt numb. Mornings were better, but the afternoons were spent sitting in silence, crying or staring into space. I spent a lot of time outside, trying to feel some sort of connection with life, trying to find hope, strength, courage.

In week three, my mom came to help out while Alex was away. I started therapy. I started medication for my long time anxiety, and I tried my best to not be afraid to be in the same room as my baby boy. I felt ashamed that I wasn’t strong enough for him. Then, slowly, I started to let go of the concept that I was doing something wrong.

As the weeks pass, I’m learning to be kind to myself. When this first happened, I felt like guilty for not being able to return to the same life I was living before it all happened. But what I am realizing is that life isn’t like that – you don’t go backwards. Big things happen that set you on a different course and it’s ok to take the time to figure out how to put the pieces back together again. I can’t go back, because things have changed. I am changing. We are changing as a family. And we are trying our best to figure out what will make us happy within this new normal.

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with L’s Neurologist. He was put to sleep for an MRI yesterday. Watching my baby be put to sleep brought back the images of his little body on the stretcher in the ambulance – all of those emotions have flooded back. We’ve been through so much in such a small period of time. I’m still working on processing it all. And tomorrow, we will find out the results of the MRI. I am afraid of the worst, but am hopeful for some answers. I am hoping that we are able to rule things out – that are scarier things than Epilepsy. In one more sleep, we will have more pieces of the puzzle.

When people tell me that I am strong, some days I feel strong. But sometimes, I feel like I’ve somehow fooled everyone into thinking that. Like “if they only saw me fall apart”. I try not to only post the highlight reel of my life, because I know how important is it to be vulnerable and I want to connect with others in an authentic way.

Because if any of my friends are ever faced with a situation in which they have no choice but to be “strong”, I want them to know that it is ok NOT to be ok for as long as you need to be.

Feeling those emotions is part of the process. Grieving the loss of your “normal” is part of the process. Not feeling strong at all, even when others tell you that you are, is part of the process. There is no “right” way to be.

My goal, right now, is to move forward and figure out how I can be the best mom, wife and woman that I can be. To figure out how I can help my boys thrive in life, no matter what challenges they may face. I hope that by facing my fears, and openly working through my feelings, I can show them – and others – that although things happen in life that are out of our control, that we are always in control of how we react. But that reaction doesn’t have to happen right away: taking time to grieve and process is normal.

Being strong means so many things to so many people, and in the moments that you feel anything but strong, people will show up in your life to remind you that you are doing just fine. That you are strong.

 

 

What does self-care look like when you have anxiety?

For me, it looks different everyday. On days where my mind isn’t racing a mile a minute, self-care means eating well, exercising, taking time to myself and getting the right amount of sleep each night. Sticking to the routine.

But most days, especially these days, my mind races almost every minute of the day. My anxiety often looks/sounds like this:

What if the boys get sick?

Did I give them enough attention this morning? Am I not feeding them healthy enough?

Don’t get too caught up in this great day – something bad may happen.

Is he disappointed in me?

Will L have a seizure today?

Did I talk too much during that conversation?

Because I am an all or nothing type of perfectionist (is that a thing?), I get discouraged when I don’t get to those healthy tasks that I feel like I should do (see my last post). But, some days, when my mind is consumed by worry, and my anxiety gets the best of me, the best self-care I can give myself is understanding, patience and kindness.

This inner kindness isn’t always easy. And is something I am working on the most these days.

My anxiety has been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and for the most part, has been a part that I wished wasn’t there. As a kid, I was overly cautious, always worried about the dangers of the situation. Certain stages in life manifested different worries – when I was a kid, it was illness, tornadoes and storms. As a teenager, it was my friends or boyfriend leaving me. As a young adult, it was of my family getting sick, terror and the fear of flying. Now, it mostly revolves around my children and something happening to them. I’ve never loved trying new things, and my first reaction to anything new has always been “no”.

All through life, I wished that I could be that person who took chances, who loved trying new things and who was always up for anything. Still today, I want so much to be that mom who can bring her children anywhere without battling with the “what ifs” that are constantly going through my mind.

I love routines and being in control of situations. I hate anything that is out of my control. All of my anxiety stems from things that I cannot control.

That essential type of self-care – self-acceptance – doesn’t come naturally to me when my anxiety has taken over. When things feel out of control. When I am acting the exact way that I wish I didn’t.

But, I am working on it.

I am who I am. And for the most part, I love my personality. I am a kind person. I pick up easily on other’s emotions and I like to think that I am good at making them feel better when they need to. I’m a good listener. I am passionate. I am a good mom. I am dramatic. I feel my feelings in a big way, and I truly love that about myself.

These days, when the anxious thoughts race through my mind, instead of resenting how I feel, or being embarrassed, I remind myself that it’s ok. I take a pause, feel what I’m feeling, and figure out what I need. Somedays, just the acceptance of the thoughts makes me feel lighter. Other days, it takes longer for them to pass. Sometime, it doesn’t work and my mind takes over. But most of the time, when I remember that my thoughts are just my mind, and not ME, it feels a bit easier.

Does self-care also mean going to the gym when you really don’t want to and making yourself stick to what’s important for your body and soul in the long run? Absolutely yes. But remember – nothing is perfect. You are allowed to take pause. You are allowed to take the time to really figure out what you need. And sometimes that can look really messy.

Be kind to yourself. Work on accepting who you are at your very core. Listen closely to what you really need. Because we are the only ones who REALLY know what that is.

I’m no longer working on being perfect. I am working on being authentic.

xox

 

In a world full of other people’s highlight reels, it can be easy to get caught up in the “shoulds” (or shouldn’ts) of life.

“I should be able to do this on my own”

“I should be strong enough”

“I shouldn’t complain”

“I should be better than I am right now”

These are the kind of thoughts that I have been repeating to myself for years, like so many others. I celebrate when I momentarily live up to these expectations, and I feel guilty – less-than – when I don’t. As is life, good and bad moments happen over and over, and living in the “should” has made a lot of those moments difficult.

I didn’t know to what extent this was controlling my life until recently. During a therapy session a few weeks ago, I was crying and explaining that I constantly feel guilty about who I am as a parent, a wife, a person. That I should be able to handle my husband being away, that I should love all the alone time I get with my kids, that I shouldn’t resent my husband for having a job that takes him on so many adventures. That I should be stronger when dealing with L’s Epilepsy. That I should be the kind of mom that can cook, clean and entertain her kids with a smile on her face. That I should be happy, no matter the situation I’m faced with. The list went on and on…

In that moment, my amazing, empathetic therapist looked at me in the eyes and said something that stuck:

“Your self-talk – what you say to yourself – is so negative”

If you know me, you know that I am an optimist. I love uplifting others, cheering them on and highlighting their strengths. I listen and read personal development books, I surround myself with positivity. Yet, inside, I was constantly beating myself up, and telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. Holding in so many emotions and feelings because I didn’t want anyone else to feel bad. I didn’t want to disappoint. So, I held everything in, and when I didn’t live up to how I “should” be, my inner (negative) voice reminded me over and over again that I wasn’t enough.

I am a strong believer that we have to be happy with ourselves, and that things and places can’t make us happy. But I was confused about what this really means. I was suppressing who I AM, and living in a way that I felt I “should”. I wasn’t being truthful with my husband about how I was feeling about the life we both chose. Instead, I kept quiet, resentment crept in, and I beat myself up for not being better at being happy with what I had.

I was afraid that my truth – who I am, and how I feel about our life – would disappoint the people in my life. I was putting everyone’s happiness above my own. And because of this, I was distancing myself from everyone as I tried to be someone I though I should.

Nobody knew that I felt this way. I didn’t completely know this, until that very moment.

It wasn’t working anymore. And about a week after that therapy session, I broke down, and I told my husband everything.

That I “should” be able to do this alone while he is away. But I don’t want to. It doesn’t make me happy. And things need to change.

That I “should” be strong enough, but nobody can do everything on their own. I need the right kind of support in my life.

That holding in my feelings is taking pieces of me every single day. And I can’t do it anymore.

That in order to be better than I am right now, MY happiness needs to be a priority and part of the equation.

He didn’t know the extent to how I was feeling. How could he? I had never told him.

When letting go of the “should”, I will continue to face what society deems normal and be ok with saying “that just isn’t me”. I have to be ok with accepting who I am at my very core, and taking the necessary steps to ensure my needs are met. Whether it’s hiring help around the house, asking for more help with the kids, making the time for my relationships, or diving into self-care with everything I have – I am going to do it.

The more I open up about myself, the more I feel like I am moving forward. That moment in therapy was an eye opener. A statement that made me sad, but also hopeful, because for the first time in a few months, I found a way to move forward towards a new chapter for myself.

A chapter that includes a lot more positivity: inside and out.